i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
