So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
