she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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