You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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