we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
