just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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