And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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