I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
