i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
