i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize