I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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