I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Randomize
