Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
