there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
