FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
