Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
