I wish I only lived at night.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
