i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
