Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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