just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
