I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
