I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
