dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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