bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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