i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
