I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize