Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
