Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
