My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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