how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
