Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
