i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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