The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just googled if crying burns calories
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
