Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize