My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
