Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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