I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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