I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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