i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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