and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
