Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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