The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
jump out the window naked night went bad
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
