life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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