Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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