my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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