David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
