Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize