I should be sponsored by Trojan
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize