My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize