Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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