4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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