well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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