Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
