So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
