Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
