I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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