What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I still have a little drunk in my system
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
