I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I need water and some morals
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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