Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
